


a Heart Full of Fear

by siriuslyuptonogood



Series: Sergeant Barnes and his Captain [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Alternate Universe - Military, Dom Steve Rogers, Dom/sub, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sub Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27575849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriuslyuptonogood/pseuds/siriuslyuptonogood
Summary: Steve lets his fear get the better of him and makes a move that could ruin Bucky's career and their relationship. Bucky is, rightfully, really pissed off.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Sergeant Barnes and his Captain [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621582
Comments: 16
Kudos: 167





	a Heart Full of Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, I wrote this probably third in this series, before the pandemic lockdowns started, just where my brain took me, I guI ess, but I hadn't written enough of them yet to post it, and I've also just been a little worried to do so. I hope you don't hate Steve. He really fucks up here, but he is still a good captain for our Buckaroo. 
> 
> Also, I adore y'all so much and I'm sorry I don't post often. I'm just finishing up grad school and getting ready to move to Texas two weeks from tomorrow and I'm highkey stressed about literally everything. But I just need you to know that I absolutely adore you all and I started writing these stories for myself because I wasn't seeing a lot of non-sexual BDSM, but I am endlessly delighted that I've found people who also wanted this kind of thing. <3

Bucky is full of anger. White-hot. Blinding. He doesn't wait for Steve's receptionist to let him know his husband is there. Doesn't care that Steve is on the phone, just marches right through in dress uniform because he's just attended a promotion ceremony, and slams the paperwork in his hand down on the desk.

"What the fuck is this, Steve?"

Steve takes everything in stride. Just like he always does. Quietly says he has to go and will call back, then glances at the paper. He doesn't show recognition, at least not that Bucky can tell, which doesn't help his mood.

"These are-" Steve starts like he's actually about to fucking explain what the papers are.

"You're fucking grounding me?" Bucky hisses.

"Buck-"

"That's my name. That's your damn John Hancock as my registered dominant. My legal fucking owner, I guess." Bucky wants to crumple the paper. Wants to rip it into a thousand pieces and cover Steve in tiny bits of betrayal.

"Bucky, please. This is about your safety," Steve says, finally able to get out a whole sentence.

"I'm a soldier, Steve! For damn near fifteen years now. I knew what I was signing up for," Bucky snaps. He wants to crumple, can feel the anger fading. He fucking hates it and he won't break apart. It'll feel like this whole thing is justified. That he's a weak, pathetic submissive who shouldn't be deployed.

"I've been deployed before. And I'm a leader now, I have soldiers who are counting on me."

"It's not as though they would be left in the lurch. Reshuffling happens all the time," Steve replies, watching him.

"So? We've been training together, learning to trust each other for two damn years and you're just going to send them out into a war zone with a leader they don't even know? For what? So you can know I'm here safe. Are their lives worth that?" Bucky asks, throwing his hands up. "It's fucking stupid. And it's unfair to some really amazing soldiers."

"Hey!" Steve barks, finally, finally raising his voice, "I'm allowed to protect what's mine."

And Bucky doesn't know how to respond to that at first. He looks at Steve, memorizes the downward curve of his lips, the knit together eyebrows.

"You do this and you hobble me. My career is over. They won't offer me reenlistment. I'll be moved to a desk for the remainder of my time here." Bucky turns away, hands coming to rest on the top of his head as he breathes. 

"That is not necessarily true. You are a good soldier. You have excellent leadership skills. Of course, you'll be offered reenlistment."

Bucky frowns. "You, a lieutenant colonel in the army, have put forth paperwork that keeps me from deploying. If you really thought I was a good soldier, you wouldn't have done that. Or maybe you just don't get how fucking detrimental this can be to a submissive soldier. Because you had the fucking grace to be born a dominant male."

"Bucky, you really need to check your tone with me. I am not only a commanding officer but also your dominant and your husband. And you've been disrespectful since the moment you barged in here." Steve says, voice tight.

"No, fuck you. Fuck you, Steve. You can't do that right now. Not when you've done what you have. Not when you're ruining my career, flushing the last fifteen years of my life down the toilet."

Steve shoves his chair back and stands, coming around the desk. "I'm not ruining anything. I'm taking steps to make sure you're safe. I'm fucking allowed to do that. Stop being so overdramatic."

Bucky turns, face to face, chest to chest, and the submissive part of him wants to sink to his knees and drop his head, whine deep in his throat, but he doesn't. Because Steve can't just fucking do this.

"I would never do anything to jeopardize your career. Not a fucking thing. And I've seen soldiers get hobbled by this very thing before. Why would the army keep around a soldier whose dom won't let them do their fucking job? They don't."

"You wouldn't try to protect me?" Steve asks.

"I would trust that you were a competent soldier," Bucky replies. He picks up the papers. He wants to ball it up and throw it at Steve. Instead, he shoves them into his chest.

"You've never treated me like a second class citizen. Not once. So unless you've been lying to me for the last four years, you need to fucking fix this."

Steve crosses his arms. "By just letting you go into a war zone? Where you could never come back?"

Bucky steps back. "By letting me do my damn job. Letting me be a soldier." He rubs a hand over his face, exhausted.

He sees Steve lift a hand, start to move forward like he's going to cup his face, reason with him, but he takes another step back.

"If this paperwork goes through. If you ground me, you've lost me. You can say you're trying to protect me. You can say it's because you love me and you don't want to lose me, but at the end of the day, you're taking my choice from me. And the reason I fell so hard for you is that you weren't like that. You were different than any Dom I'd ever met. I wasn't property to you. Wasn't just a thing to be owned, conquered."

"Buck, that's not what... fuck, Bucky, understand that-"

Bucky holds his hand up, shaking his head. "It is your right as a Dom to so this. As my Dom. To keep me from being deployed. Because I am your submissive. But if this goes through, I won't be anymore. I can't stay married to someone who would take everything away from me like this. Fix it, Colonel."

Bucky turns and walks out of the office. His first sob tears from him before he's managed to leave the outer office and he hates that Steve was still in hearing range of it. He didn't want him to hear him cry.

He goes home first. He wants to go down, to curl up on his pillow, but it feels bad knowing that the person he wants to make him feel better is the one who made him feel like this in the first place. He takes a shower instead. Sobs into the hot water. He sits on the bed in just a towel for a while. Considers calling Sam. But he and Steve have become good friends. Sam and Clint come round at least once a week these days. Most Sundays, they go to brunch together. But Bucky wants to give Steve the benefit of the doubt, that he will do the right thing. And he doesn't want to do anything that could sour the relationship between him and Sam until he knows he's leaving.

When he gets dressed, Bucky almost pulls on one of Steve's shirts with a tight pair of black jeans. One of his favorite civilian outfits, but he makes himself pick something of his own. He throws on black boots and leaves.

He wants to see Sam. Just to hang out with him and Clint, but he'd have to talk. So he goes and eats the biggest, greasiest cheeseburger he can find, then takes himself to the movies for a just released horror flick. Which he used to love. Some people hated going to the movies alone, but before Steve, he'd gone all the time. Sometimes once a week. He'd get popcorn with lots of butter and a big red slush. But he hasn't been to the movies alone in years. He gets his popcorn and his slush but finds that he can't finish either. Because Steve helps him. And he doesn't have anyone to hold his hand during the jump scares.

It just makes him feel worse.

It's near midnight when Bucky makes his way back to their apartment. He feels raw and open and he hates it. God, he fucking hates it. The apartment is dark. He slowly takes off his jacket and his boots and then sits heavily on the couch, head in his hands.

He doesn't want to leave Steve. Doesn't want to live a minute without him. And he gets why Steve would want him to stay. Deployment is terrifying and dangerous, but he'd also spent four years under the impression that Steve saw him as an equal, his partner, that he'd never considered controlling him like this.

Hot tears gather then fall down his cheeks, still cool from the night air.

Nauseous, Bucky gets up and heads to the kitchen for a glass of water. He turns just the light over the stove on and gets himself cold water from the faucet. He downs it and gets another, drinking slower this time as he turns. He pauses at the papers on the island. The paper he had shoved at Steve earlier is here. Plus others. He looks through them and feels relief. Steve has retracted his grounding. Bucky's orders are here too. He gets to ship out with his soldiers.

He finishes his water, sets the cup in the sink, and walks to the bedroom. He pauses in the doorway. Steve is in the armchair by the window, illuminated only by the moon. His sketchpad is in his hand but closed. He looks up at Bucky.

"Buck," he says and it's a wrecked sound. Like he's lost everything.

Bucky crosses the room. The sketchpad hits the floor and there are fingers on Bucky's belt loops, pulling him forward before arms wrap around his waist and Steve's head is pressed against his middle. Steve lets out a dry, wrecked sob and Bucky wraps his arms around his head.

"I'm scared," Steve says after a few minutes, voice muffled by Bucky's shirt.

"Me too," Bucky replies, gently combing his fingers through Steve's hair.

"I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way. I... I don't own you. I know that. I just thought if I could stop you from leaving, I wouldn't feel so fucking terrified. What if you don't come back?"

"I'm gonna come back. Bring all my soldiers back too," Bucky says softly.

"Buck," Steve whispers.

Bucky pulls back slightly. Cups and tilts Steve's face. "Cap, I'm coming back. Just trust me. I'm coming back."

"I trust you," Steve mumbles, closing his eyes as Bucky strokes his jaw with his thumb. "I'm sorry. So fucking sorry."

Bucky leans in and kisses him. "I forgive you."

Steve presses his face back against Bucky's middle, holds him like he's afraid he'll get away and Bucky just wraps his arms back around his husband's head. They stay that way until Steve pulls back a while later. He helps Bucky out of his jeans, just leaving them on the floor. The shirt joins the jeans and Bucky lets himself be lifted to the bed. Steve's shirt comes off too and he lays on top of Bucky, skin to skin. Bucky wraps his arms around Steve's body and presses his face to the crook of his neck.

"Captain," he murmurs.

"Called me Colonel earlier," Steve says softly. "Hated it."

"I... it wasn't something I wanted to believe my Captain had done," Bucky replies, pulling away just slightly. "You, my Captain, are my everything. Have never looked at me like I wasn't your equal. I just... couldn't believe you'd put the paperwork in. Not you, not my Captain. Without even talking to me about your fears."

Steve is quiet a few seconds then shifts them, still chest to chest but on their sides now, also nose to nose, so he can look into Bucky's eyes.

"You are my equal, Buck. I just let my fear get the better of me. I'm so sorry."

Bucky presses their foreheads together. "Already forgiven, Captain." He kisses Steve.

"You taste like salt and cherry," Steve says, closing his eyes.

"Saw the new possession film."

"Looked dumb. How was it?"

"Dumb. But still, wish you'd been there. Had to throw away half my slush and popcorn."

"We'll go next week and I'll make it up to you." Steve wraps an arm around Bucky's waist, holding him close and Bucky just looks at him, features barely visible in the moonlit room. He memorizes every part of his face, watches him relax into sleep. He has a select number of nights like this left before he's sleeping alone in a cot in the desert and he wants to store as many minute details as possible. So he can remember the way Steve's lips twitch up when he sleeps. How his breath comes in little puffs that almost want to be snores but aren't.

Bucky's going to come back to this man when all is said and done. But that doesn't mean he's going to waste the moments he has right now.

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up on tumblr! siriuslyuptonogood!


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